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Folks, this is where I try to subtly put  a disclaimer.  This is a constant place where you can find me redirecting my frustrations, anger, repressed emotions and ocassionally stories about heartaches. Also, this is where I practice my skills in sarcasm. I don’t know if you heard the news but slapstick is dead. Yes, it’s better to be a cynical and funny rather than oh what the hell… you can call me whatever you like.  Humor me. Also, do not go any further if you’re planning to find peachy posts about how life is grand and all that superficial shit.  You have been warned.

Here’s to your daily passive aggressive affirmation!

Cheers,

Your German Milkmaid

OWND

Alright. Seems like busting dust balls is what I’ve been doing in quarter four.  And yes, procrastination has gotten the best of me.  I’m actually pinned down by two Herculean projects which needs to be finished by January and February 2009. Yikes!  Sure a part of me slacks but this huge Amazon at my back pushes me to tackle them head on.  However,  Ms. Migraine has been constantly drilling  on my cranium up there and so in times like these… I need my ultimate stress – reliever! I know that somewhere in my passive-aggressive self  lies a scary scary monster waiting to rip bones apart and grind it into saw dusts.  IT’S TEKKEN TIME!!!!

Me at age 5 practicing my Kung Fu

Not very recently, my cousins (Charles & Christian) came home from the United Steps  and we decided to go waste their savings away in Timezone. We went for old school arcade games.   My favorite is TEKKEN. The Timezone in Greenhills has the brand new Tekken (6) already!! Knowing that I was in the presence of two gaming fiends, (Rose Online, Ragnarok, Warcraft and all those weird titles I don’t even know but name it they probably played it), I had my game face on.

Much to my dismay (naks!), I won. Not once. Not twice but over and over again. Tsk tsk tsk. I dunno if they’re letting me WIN or anything.  Needless to say, it was not later confirmed that they suck big time. muhahahaha.

I was about to scream in glee and brag my way out when this boy around 7 or 8 of age came with his  Batman powercard. He laid it down and challenged the winner of the next round.

Me and my cousin Charles looked at each other and sneered.  Feeling the pressure creeping in but trying subtly to dismiss it, Charles said to me ” BRING IT!!!”

Cocky, I replied ” Amateur!”. And so the bloody battle continued. The boy stood at our backs waiting for his turn tapping his foot lightly. I don’t know if it’s the feeling of being watched that made me lose my edge or the boy jinx my winning streak.

My cousin Charles praised the heavens for one second and but then he looked back. The boy with the batman powercard grinned in delight. It was his turn.

Charles gulped.  And I mouthed the words YOU-ARE-DEAD-MEAT, as the gruesome fight commenced.

Poor Charles. I still can’t imagine he got beaten. And that look on his face after his defeat. Classic! LOLOLOLOL.

I’ve been begging him to post the pictures but his bruised ego seems to digress. However, I will  try my best to steal them. Muhuhahahaha.

So yeah, our asses were owned by the younger generation. Damn kid had no mercy.

Second round starts on the 29th. BRRRRING ET!

From the Desk of GOD

re: Moping while on duty

Dear Joycerica,

In the absence of alcohol, let me just make this sweet and simple. Get your act together, girl.

No moping while on duty. Life ain’t short in fact it’s the longest thing you ever ever have. So moping won’t make it easier. If noticed, the smiley in the sky last December 1 has a purpose. The sign you were asking for?? I have no clue. Signs are like so last year (as you would say).

So get up. Get up and do something. LIVE.

P.S.

Stop calling your father an Old Fart, Father Abraham, Hitler or Frankenstein. Give him a nice present too.

Remember.. I'm watching you!

Eternally Here,

GOD

The 3 Rs of Blogging

The internet is getting crowded and is becoming populated with a lot of activity. We’ve reached the point where we get cranky if we’re unable to check our emails, plurk or maybe do some online gaming during our breaks.

Yes, we’re becoming so attached to our cyberlives that sooner or later reality will beckon. And we’ll have no idea what’s real and what’s not. Scary shit. No, maybe I’m just being paranoid.

But seriously, let’s just get back on track–on the subject of blogging. Blogging or wriiting an online journal is  easy as preparing a cup of coffee. I’m sure everyone has a blog by this time and are seriously making money out of it even. Lucky bastards.

Writing is easy and won’t really be a pain in the ass once in a while if you’re not doing it for a living. So for people like me–who’s just one of those who just spreads havoc in the blogsphore- with rant fests—-blogging is primarily a hobby.

There are blogs which I constantly  follow because most of their entries are really entertaining and sometimes it makes me  question my writing skills.  Thery’re  posts are always fresh .And yet there are other blogs which, I felt like leaving a nasty comment. But then again, why should any of my option matter?

So being the wuss that I am, I just simply ignore it.  I’ve observed that lots of blogs practice the 3 Rs of blogging. In as much as you want to keep your ideas new and perhaps engaging, there comes a point when your creative juices run out. And you start to question the main purpose of maintaining a blog. There are times when you’re running low on mojo so you tend to:

1. REUSE – In my opinion, MEMEs are fun. You simply cut and paste the entry and replace them with your answers. No brainer. You can either have fun with it or take it seriously like the Math aptitude exam that I should have answer with utmost care but failed to do so because a.) I Hate Math. b.) I don’t do MATH.

It’s a simple deductive reasoning, you don’t do math. You skip the whole process and go straight to the solution. Nothing brilliant, just another post to pass the ongoing writer’s block or perhaps to break the ice because you’ve been posting alot of serious thoughts on what clothes to buy, where to shop, what gadgets to check out, or the latest porn maybe? Whatever internet dickery it is the main thing about the revolutionary REUSAGE of blogging material such as MEMEs add spice to your dying or sedentary blogging style.

2. RECYCLE - Sometimes you get a little to emotionally unstable. You start searching for your favorite sentimental songs and starts posting them in your blog or you check other people’s blog and find that their post hits the right spot right THERE. And so being the cretin that you’ve become, you suddenly find your fingers simultaneously hitting the ctrl + C buttons. And viola! REDUNDANCY.

Yes,even if you really share the same sentiment with the author. There is no such thing as ‘being in the same shoes’ as that person.  You are unique just like everybody else. Sometimes, RECYCLING can be a form of PLAGIARISM. And nothing is more insulting than plagiarizing one’s work.Sure you probably idolize people’s writing abilities and they tend to inspire your posts. No harm done there.

Most important thing is you don’t  slip Cinderella’s glass shoes Otherwise, you just might have the worst blister next to last time you wore that pair of black stiletto and ended up bleeding your toes out.

3. REDUCE. What can I say? It’s when you basically hit rock bottom. You suddenly ended up saying this on your post OH SHIT. And then magically, you hit the publish button. It could have passed as a plurk. It could help if you add a photo or maybe make up some mushy poetry but no. You just happen to blurt out two words or even an onomatopoeia *aaaarghhhhh* *aaaaawooooo* *aaaawwww* *boooooooo*, etc. Moments of precious anguish,joy, sadness, excitement and all the colors of rainbow combined to rouse captain planet. Whut??

Basically, you are reduced to a one word punchline. FAIL. It’s either you frolicked your way into dead end or  is just passing internet time or too retarded to come up with a decent post, the thing is it happens. SHIT HAPPENS.

So we’re probably guilty of doing  this. So what? Why should our opinion matter? Isn’t there enough internet space to cover every single rerun that we can think of? Hey, at least , we’re not doing drugs or pushing our liver’s capacity to the limit. Don’t we?

OR NOT!!!!!

So yeah …together, let’s make the world a better place.

A Moment of Shamelessness

A.K.A. Self-flagellation.

Alright. I normally oblige to doing MEMEs.  Well, unless they’re really stupid and full of self-absorbed questions.  Oh no, wait. Anyway, thanks Peachy Let’s see. Tag rules are as follows.

1 – Each player starts with eight random fact/habits about themselves.
2 – People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3 – At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their name.
4 – Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and to read your blog.

Eight Random FACTS about me:

1. I’m photosensitive. I always wear dark sunglasses not because I’m always incognito (okay, it’s part of the drama). But actually, my eyes hurt and eventually I get a migraine if I’m exposed to bright lights. The price you pay for being a nocturnal.

2.  I know most of my friends abhor me for playing those loud music and to top that sing along with it. But way back my formative years, I planned on meeting TAYLOR HANSON and asking his hand for marriage. I was one of HANSON’s biggest fan.  Well, me and my cousin were.  We used to watch their concerts in VHS, have a sacred wall dedicated to all their posters, bought all their albums,magazines, wrote fan letters to them. You basically get the idea. Yes, we’re fangirls and did the whole nine yards of adolescent geekery. Shame, shame, shame.

3. FUR ELISE by Beethoven was the first major piece that my father taught me to play. But now, I can probably just do some SAKURA plucking.  Yes, I suck that way. Note to self: Must buy a guitar.

4. One of the huge fights I had with my Mom was when I was begging her to buy me that Stonecold Steve Austin shirt. She was very adamant and was contemplating on asking our Parish Priest to pray me over. She refused to buy me another shirt that says “FUCK FEAR, DRINK BEER”. But in the end, I got one and it made my adolescent life complete.  However, I was banned to watch RAW from that day on because it coincides with her soaps.  On the otherhand, I knew of the replay schedules (and they’re not during prime time). So, it was a win-win situation.  Parental Control… they don’t exist.

5. I saw my highschool prom date once. I gave him the finger behind his back…….and my dad saw it.  FAIL.

6. One time I sat in in one of Dad’s class. I was probably 9 then.  I was doing my usual thing–minding my own business, coloring stuff until one of his students said the magic words. FAT.GIRL. He ended up in the infirmary and I got a huge scolding.  From what I remember  that was the first of the 3 major scolding I got from the father and also the first time I realized  I might just have a potential in boxing.  Fancy jab, I might add.

7. I didn’t stop asking for my grandmother to sleep in my bed until I was in 7th grade.  There… I said it. You can now officially label me a freak of nature.

8.  At age 11, I “borrowed” a 100 peso bill in my grandma’s purse. I intend  to pay her back, BTW. That same day, she gave me the same amount (for some reason). And so to wash my guilt away, I donated 20 pesos to church and bought her a card.  And so remembering that made me realize: 1.) Sometimes, guilt gets in your way and ruins everything. 2.) That also proves Karma’s concept of what goes around, comes around because I now live a poverty-striken existence.  Badass, Karma. I despise you and your bad timing.

I’d have to tag eight more right? hmmm. I am not tagging people for nowt because they don’t normally do it. They’re either busy or probably nursing their way out of a bad hangover.

MEN are schmucks.

What???  I’m just stating a fact.

And by men, I mean SOME men who sits across the bar and sprays some beer on your friend’s back (I even got a little something something on my right thigh) and says a snotty sorry.

Sorry’s all you got? N O he actually said, “Sorry, sorry, sorry”. Not the apologetic way but the “I said Sorry. Now, move on with your lives” kind.

Whether it was intentional or not (the beer spraying part), it was just plain rude. You owe my friend a drink, bud.  Is that asking too much? I do not expect you to rub her feet and kiss it. No, not with you anyway.

And to think that  it was her birthday celebration. But of course, you all don’t know that.

And by schmucks, I mean JERKS.

Yes. I don’t want to be a sexist. But at times I just want to throw an upper cut right at their fancy faces. It might help if you look like Brandon Boyd. But needless to say. some are just plain insensitive. I don’t know if it’s the absence of estrogen or whatever.

All you need is to read between the lines, man. And the world might just be a happier place to live in.

There, I said it.  Kill me now.

Saturday Night Sports *hik*

Woohoo, I’m back baby! Finally, after months of having no weekends and on the brink of insanity, I am now officially rid of extended office hours!!! Or so I thought. But o well, what the heck. *Cheers*

So last Saturday, my friend had her post-birthday celebration. It’s always worth it if you spend Saturday night with your friends. They never fail to cheer you up and vice versa.

And so we tried sports for a change. Enough of the same old movies/dinner/booze.

First stop LASER TAG. I’ve been hearing alot of rave reviews on this new fad. And quite frankly, I was scared at first. You know how I’ve always been apprehensive about FIRST times….But o heck, life is about taking risks. And at 24, it’s about time I cowboy up!

So we went to MARKET! MARKET! We also met up with some of the housemate’s bf’s friends. And all in all it was a GIRLS vs GUYS match. Hoorah!

But before I tell you how the game ended.Just a little primer on how things work:

1. There  is a waiver that you need to sign–and it basically says whatever happens to you inside, it’s all your fault. You need not to sue LASER XTREME for any broken bones and stuff.

2. There’s a briefing on what goes on inside rules are as follows:

a. No running. – uhm, yeah. But where’s the excitement? When you’re entirely seeing blinking lights and partially color blind. You gotta do what you gotta do.

b. No climbing on walls – Yeah, coz there’s this thing called stairs. And I doubt that I’m commando enough to do the wall-climbing part.

c. No Offensive language – What??? I can’t believe that’s part of the rules. So what are you going to do tazer me?.

d. There are different points depending on which part you hit – 200 points – chest, 100 – back and I guess it was 50 for each shoulder.

e. You must hold on to the gun with you both hands. Otherwise, you’ll be a walking target.

f. If you get hit, you’ll hear sound and your blinking lights in the vest will die. They will be reactivated and you’ll see that in the lcd screen in your gun. Once reactivated, you can fire until you get shot. KILL OR BE KILLED. Nuff said.

Ok. Moving on….

After the briefing, the gates opened and we all geared up. And for some reason, the color that was assigned to us was PINK! Whatta stereotype. First and foremost, I don’t know how we got the team names because no mentioned about it. And I was also wondering, did they ask us for our aliases? Uhm…That was the part that got me going “Ok, I must have missed something.” And lastly, the suit was kinda sweaty and Ron’s having hygiene issues but anyway we had our game faces on. FOR GLORY!!! VOLTRON V.S. PINK

After all the horrahs and peeew, peews, We all got PWND. By two kids named, SKATER and NIMROD. Yep, their not playing fair. Just when we’re getting activated, they start shooting me again. And they’re not on either teams. They’re bloody double agents.

But all in all it was all good fun. By the time we got out, we’re all sweating like pigs. We’re probably do it again. Yes, we will!!!! They haven’t seen the last of us I tell you! Nimrod and Skater, be afraid…be very very afraid.

Before, we headed to our next stop we grabbed a bite at SBARRO. It was all a blur. Next thing I knew we we’re heading to E LANES.

Yep, BOWLING!!!  I don’t have any idea on how the scoring goes. There’s  this part where  you need to switch lanes. It’s really good that we were in the last two lanes because we were really rowdy and we’ll all put the pros’ mad skills to shame if we were playing somewhere in between two teams who seemed to be battling it out.  What matters is we all got to hit the pins.  And we had our fancy moves like those pros on our side. At the end of the day, it’s not about winning, it’s how you play the game…..YEEEEEESSS!!

Damn, those balls our heavy. I think I’ll have carpal tunnel syndrome. Seriously.

I discovered that aside from her hysterical laugh, Bax has a promising career as a BOWLER. It’s true, you should have seen her suave moves.

And for the finale, DRINKING SPREE at GRILLA. You know, if drinking were a sport, they’d be all pros.  There we bumped into a friend’s brother and uncle. Yep, Greenhills is the place to be ladies and gentlemen.

Also, bumped into the love sucked drinking apprentice – Gico, who bought us another pitcher of MAI TAI just when we’re all spitting incohorent thoughts and shot glasses magically find its way to the floor.

Yes, shots were fired that day as we talk about our past, present and future.

The night was very fruitful. And we decided to keep on doing this.  Yes, aside from the drinking and  sports, we need to keep on trying things out.

Anyhoo, I am grateful to my friends: Prinz for the treat, Gico for the love of booze (at such a tender age…tsk tsk tsk. Liveraide is awaiting), Ron for reminiscing old flames, Ariane- drunken master moves, and Bax. Ultimately, you could have a very promising career ahead of you as bowler, but  then there was drinking. I say stick with the pros, man. Stick with the pros.

LIVE. LAUGH. DRINK.

Until the next, I heard POLE DANCING is the next stop. *Gulp*

Top 5: What’s in Bohol?

Super delayed repost….

Ugh. Back in Manila. Yeah, hello unread office emails and unanswered voice mails. But before I go ranting about them again. Let me just share my sabbatical.

Was I able to relax?  Yeah. I mean whatever it’s gonna be, I don’t necessarily get the exact dosage of dopamine because because a.) the genes won’t allow it. b.) things always gets fucked up one way or the other c.) may balat nga talaga ako.

But enough about that blabber. It’s actually my second time to travel outside the metro. We chose Bohol coz PAL offered these awesome tickets on sale last June and we took advantage of it. The hotel was nice too—ISIS BUNGALOWS. It’s beachfront and it was clean. The bathroom was large you can throw a party inside. Plus it offered a tour. It only cost 2500 for the entire bunch of us (we’re 7). So it’s so sulit. It was an 8 hour tour.  Kuya Dennis ( the driver and tour guide extraordinaire) drove us to the different destinations. We had different pit stops. It’s good that my motion sickness did not act up on me or else I would be a total loser. So here’s what we went to see:

1. Tarsiers! – There’s one who looked like YODA. I swear. At first I was expecting like a big zoo full of wild animals and there would be a little cage with a bunch of them but really it was just like a little sari-sari store. The tarsiers were clinging on the trees. At first, I didn’t see them coz their really small like the size of my palm. They’re so cute but I wasn’t into touching them yet coz you know I don’t want to get featured in the show called “When seemingly harmless animals attack”.Best thing about it, there’s no entrance fee. You just need to drop some money in the donation box.

2. Man-made Forest -  Trees!!! Upon entering you suddenly feel the slight temperature drop. It’s as if you are being embraced by nature. Yeeeeees!  It’s like being surrounded by lanky giants , only a little sunshine passes through the spaces in between the leaves. The trees had less branches too. So it’s not like really being inside a creepy dark forest. Kuya Dennis ( driver and tour guide extraordinaire) told us that the trees were transferred there. But I slightly digress. I mean real who would want to transfer the entire forest? O well, I’m no agriculture expert to argue.

3. Hanging Bridge -  ( And you think only Babylon had one?) First and foremost, if you’re a neurotic like me, it’s best that you skip the fear-factor part of the tour. But well, since I was being partially courageous and was looking for a little adventure I obliged. But then I realized that we had a hyperactive friend who’s like a 5 year-old stuck in a 25-year old body (Yes, Raph, I’m talking about you). As we are trying to traverse the precious hanging bridge (which is really shaky and it seems like the slightest misstep  can actually break it into two–imagine the scene in Horton Hears A Who),  he started swinging from side to side and as if it’s not bad enough started to shake the ropes too. So all the way, while I was trying to curse under my breath for falling inline with this kid on crack started saying prayers. I mean if I fall it’s ok because I can swim. But the water is kinda murky so I don’t know what’s in the water and how deep it is.  Yeah, I’m paranoid that way. But yeah, I guess it was not my day yet, I survived crossing the bridge—twice! So you definitely need to feel that surge of adrenaline from time to time. It’s good for the body!!

4.Butterfly Sanctuary – Next pit stop was the Butterfly conservatory. Again I was expecting museum type. But I think I was overreaching. It was really educational. I forgot the name of the guide. But I have to say, he knows a lot about butterflies.  Like for one, women butterflies are bigger than male butterflies. And male butterflies, change their color and emit a very sweet scent (like chocolate) to attract women. So who’s gay now, huh? And did you know how to differentiate a  moth from a butterfly? Do you, do you? Well, their antennas are different, butterflies have straight and pointy ones, moths are bulkier and have a different texture, like cotton-like. And there are poisonous butterflies too, it’s a defense against their predators. There’s this one who actually,pretended to act as if he is dead. Literally this little fellah was lifeless and just you’re about to drop it….it flew. Yeah! But here’s the most mind-blowing factoid. Butterflies only mate once in their entire 29 day (not really sure) existence. And they can do it as early as they burst out of their cocoons. Yeah, little sluts that they are aren’t they?

5. Chocolate Hills (Duh?) –Who says their chocolate-like? They’re green (at this time of the year I guess). How many are there? Kuya Dennis (driver and tour guide extraordinaire) says there are 1000+. I lost count at five. So I cannot argue.  There are lots of tourist there including Xavier University.  The hike gave my aching back a jolt but I guess Flanax really works. I think at this point. It’s best viewed with the pictures but I can’t post them yet.

Bonus points:

Eat in the Floating Restaurant – it costs around Php 300. It’s buffet. So again it’ll save you some money for the Peanut Kisses.  The ride was like one hour, sight seeing along the Loboc River.  But then it rained. It was again murky  because last week it poured  like hell there.  Towards the end, there was a group of natives who welcomed us, actually serenaded us. I can’t understand a thing except their greeting “Good Afternoon visitors..and something about generous heart”…some other English I lost track actually” Most songs were sang in the native tongue. But the tinikling dance was really fascinating and  their parting words we’re sweet. At first, Cheska taught they said “God bless and have a safe death”. But then Ron said it sounded God bless and Good Health. Whatever it is, I’m sure they don’t mean any harm.

Die Young, Feed a Python-  Now, this opted not on trying. I have a great aversion against the slithering kind (figuratively and otherwise). So yeah, while everyone jumped off the van to see the python, I stayed inside and called Dad–told him a wussed out again just like him. hahahaha.

That’s about it I guess. I’ll try to insert the pictures if I can. But now, I really gotta get back to doing my laundry and restoring inner peace because tomorrow my leave expires and my master awaits to give me a beating of a lifetime. But for now, I thank my friends for being ther, it won’t be this fun without you! Until the next trip! Baguio perhaps? Or are we pushing through Bangkok 2009???

10 shots to delirium

Henceforth, I shall be known as a poor-excuse-of-a-poet.

A little or no credit at all may be rewarded, for my ever brooding and pessimistic self.

Without further ado, my impromptu poetry while entertaining payroll disputes.

10 shots to delirium

a woe unwept.

for unmet deadlines

a well-deserved break

craving for alcohol

my liver in demise

quench this yearning

a substitute

for your lips

untangle this tongue

one shot at a time.

 

Alrighty then, you can now throw the rocks.

Welcome to Commonwealth

This is Commonwealth Ave. Boston, MA

Now, this is Commonwealth Ave, Quezon City

Ahhhh, yes. Upon reaching the elliptical road, you’ll see an invisible sign that says ABANDON HOPE ALL YE, WHO ENTER HERE!

Commonwealth, where precipitation is directly proportional to the amount of people getting robbed, held up or ran over.

 

Prior to moving to the unchartered  territory, I was blazing the busiest streets of Makati . That was circa 2005. Aaaah, yes, Makati . It’s where you occasionally bump into Starbucks-drinking Expats or simply scour your way out of a group of yuppies who are parking their overpaid asses along the sidewalks during yosi breaks. Yes, Makati where the fastest mode of transportation is brisk walking or via osmosis.

 

During job hunting, it is not advisable to wear your high heels as it will just bring so much  pain in your  calf muscles that you would wish  a.) You can manipulate time and space continuum or b.) have so much S appeal that you can rouse a random hot guy to carry you to the next loading zone (or if you’re that lucky score a free ride..HOORAY!)

 

But of course that would be like reaching for the stars because really in this day and age there are no such things as knights in shining red Ferraris ever ready to rescue you especially when the line in the MRT can be compared to that of the Eraserhead’s concert.

 

Hokay, moving forward , somewhere in the outskirts of C.W. is where the chorewhore gets her paycheck in exchange of Friday nights, weekends and at times her soul.

But other than that, C.W. is an alternate dimension where:

 

1. The land meets the sea (even if it’s just a 15-minute rain).
2. The sign  DO NOT CROSS should be taken seriously. Well, unless you want your bloody carcass to be broadcasted in 5 different channels nationwide then by all means do as you please.
3. The foul stench of dried urine in the early morning can certainly jumpstart your day. Who needs coffee? I don’t.
4. Drag queens are fairy godmothers and I am a cheerleader doing star jumps. Yes, they only happen in Twilight Zone.
5. Convenience stores are outside a 5 mile radius. You can starve to death without seeing the light of day ever.
6. Vultures exist and can devour you because the nearest convenience store is  outside a 5 mile radius.
7. You still hear echoes.
8. A not-so-concealed nuclear weapon disguises itself as a gigantic ostrich egg awaiting the perfect timing to obliterate all mankind. (Ho sheez, I’m watching too much sci-fi).
9. Rallies are like mosh pits you are tempted to jump into.
10. It’s where I mutter in sheer disgust “HOME SWEET, HOME”.