Hey Mum!

Dear Mum,

How’s the afterlife? Did you know that smoking kills? Yep, that’s what I heard. How’s Uncle? I hope he’s also up there. However, rumor has it that he’s playing devil’s advocate in the pits of hell.

In case, you haven’t been tuning in lately, Dad has been touring the region. He has a groupie of some 18 – 20 year olds. Crazy, I know. Yep, you got to hand it to him. He’s living the rock star dream. At his age, it’s just a consolation. So yeah, I concur.

I hope that you’re happy up there. I would love to join you someday. Well, that relatively depends if I give in to Satan’s offer of eternal awesomeness and Coca-Cola body of hotness (just like yours).

I’ve been having chest pains lately. No biggie actually, if it’s going to be the free ticket to never never land.

Well, let’s see, in our family we can’t really ignore those symptoms, right? But we’re different. We have always learned things the hard way. Yep, we’re stubborn like that. Maybe I did got that from you and not from Dad.

So anyway, work’s really a pain right now. I think PAIN is an understatement. It’s an abomination! I might render overtime this Saturday. It’s pretty fcked up. I worked my ass off for a month and suddenly the server had gone haywire. POOF! Back to zero!

Although, it pays rent, provides the me luxury of getting piss drunk on weekends (on a rarity) or buys me the books I’d kill to read, still I’m struggling to accept that I am no longer your asthmatic obese three-year old.

Yes, Mom. I grew up to be such a drama queen. So yeah, you’d probably burn this imaginary letter or skip to the not-so-boring parts which I can tell you now that there is none.

Anyway, do you remember that photo? That’s one of my favorites as it perfectly shows how carefree you really are. Even though, everyone knows you are such a nervous wreck and on certain occasions, you basically spell the word RECKLESS ABANDON. I remember you and Dad use to hangout in our veranda, you smoking HOPE while sipping on your SanMig light and Dad massaging your foot and drinking his vino. Good times, yeah?!  I wish we can bring back those days. O well, everyone’s moved on. I’m sure I’d be fine.

Don’t worry about me. Worry about father. He’s been going out a lot. But I don’t have my eyes and ears right now. Well, maybe sooner or later I’ll figure out if there’s another Uma Thurman has bee hanging in the door step.

I’d let you know as soon as I can. Wait, you’re probably watching right? Why haven’t you hexed the guy yet?

Anyway, if you’re not too busy getting a pedicure or something, visit me and give me those lottery numbers I’ve been praying every night.

P.S.

I’d be meeting up with your ever loving sisters again. They’ll probably tell me for the nth time to loose weight or to stand up straight or to stop slouching or to dress up a bit..you know, usual stuff they’ve been saying for the last 24 years of my existence. I guess I should just let it in the right ear and out the left, right?

And I did visit gramps.. He has no clue who I am by now. He asked my name and whose family tree I belong to for approximately 10 times.

Other than that, every thing’s peachy and perfect (and full of crap on certain levels).

Your Daughter,

Joyce a.k.a. Bing-Bing

Hey Mum!

Dear Mum,

How’s the afterlife? Did you know that smoking kills? Yep, that’s what I heard. How’s Uncle? I hope he’s also up there. However, rumor has it that he’s playing devil’s advocate in the pits of hell.

In case, you haven’t been tuning in lately, Dad has been touring the region. He has a groupie of some 18 – 20 year olds. Crazy, I know. Yep, you got to hand it to him. He’s living the rock star dream. At his age, it’s just a consolation. So yeah, I concur.

I hope that you’re happy up there. I would love to join you someday. Well, that relatively depends if I give in to Satan’s offer of eternal awesomeness and Coca-Cola body of hotness (just like yours).

I’ve been having chest pains lately. No biggie actually, if it’s going to be the free ticket to never never land.

Well, let’s see, in our family we can’t really ignore those symptoms, right? But we’re different. We have always learned things the hard way. Yep, we’re stubborn like that.Maybe I did got that from you and not from Dad.

So anyway, work’s really a pain right now. I think PAIN is an understatement. It’s an abomination! I might render overtime this Saturday. It’s pretty fcked up. I worked my ass off for a month and suddenly the server had gone haywire. POOF! Back to zero!

Although, it pays rent, provides the me luxury of getting piss drunk on weekends (on a rarity) or buys me the books I’d kill to read, still I’m struggling to accept that I am no longer your asthmatic obese three-year old.

Yes, Mom. I grew up to be such a drama queen. So yeah, you’d probably burn this imaginary letter or skip to the not-so-boring parts which I can tell you now that there is none.

Anyway, do you remember that photo? That’s one of my favorites as it perfectly shows how carefree you really are. Even though, everyone knows you are such a nervous wreck and on certain occasions, you basically spell the word RECKLESS ABANDON. I remember you and Dad use to hangout in our veranda, you smoking HOPE while sipping on your SanMig light and Dad massaging your foot and drinking his vino. Good times, yeah?! I wish we can bring back those days. O well, everyone’s moved on. I’m sure I’d be fine.

Don’t worry about me. Worry about father. He’s been going out a lot. But I don’t have my eyes and ears right now. Well, maybe sooner or later I’ll figure out if there’s another Uma Thurman has bee hanging in the door step.

I’d let you know as soon as I can. Wait, you’re probably watching right? Why haven’t you hexed the guy yet?

Anyway, if you’re not too busy getting a pedicure or something, visit me and give me those lottery numbers I’ve been praying every night.

P.S.

I’d be meeting up with your ever loving sisters again. They’ll probably tell me for the nth time to loose weight or to stand up straight or to stop slouching or to dress up a bit..you know, usual stuff they’ve been saying for the last 24 years of my existence. I guess I should just let it in the right ear and out the left, right?

And I did visit gramps.. He has no clue who I am by now. He asked my name and whose family tree I belong to for approximately 10 times.

Other than that, every thing’s peachy and perfect (and full of crap on certain levels).

Your Daughter,

Joyce a.k.a. Bing-Bing

Dear John Lloyd

Dear John Lloyd,

I love you. Wait, rewind that. *Inhales deeply*

Let me keep this short and simple. I know that you and me…………. will never happen. I already accepted that fact. Needless to say, I just have to let this out.

I should have given you this letter when we saw each other in that elevator. Yes, I guess you remember that one. You pushed the 15th floor button. I was about to press 8 but I realized there was none. As usual, my mind was aimlessly wandering that I entered the wrong elevator. I didn’t want to look like total noob to the building so I just kept my cool. You see, I knew we had a moment there. You gave me that smile. I was too nervous that my smile turned into a semi-smirk. For that, I apologize.

Anyhow, I always say that I am this close to watching your movies…Yep,until finally I decided to give it a shot. The ticket was free so I said to myself, why not? Normally, I’m just the kind who watches your soaps and live a normal drool-free existence. But then, I watched ASAP live and saw you once again. I guess that must have rekindled the old flame.

So anyway, Lloydi. I think I should stop here. This is as far as I can get in terms of self-flagellation.

Good luck on your career.

And as you said in your BIOGESIC commercial……

YNGAT!

Joyce

This is shit!!!

One Sunday evening I decided to blog.

*Sigh* Ok. Lazy Sunday. Home alone. I am listening to my Viva La Vida album. I love you Faye. Thank you for this wonderful gift.

Here’s the boring part of this blog where I enumerate the things I have done after 10 a.m.. So yeah I was awaken involuntarily by the immense back pain that never seems to go away. No matter how hard I twist and turn, it just won’t lull me back to sleep. What did I do last night again? O yeah. Dinner. Videoke. Dolce. Starbucks. Note to self: Never go back to Dolce ( I will make a separate post on this…hmmm..)

So I got up, I found that the house mates were already awake planning what to order… Yeah, we’re slobs that way. As usual there is no decent meal here. I mean, when will I ever get my ass into going to the grocery. It’s either I am too tired or too lazy. This is really bad.

Anyhow, we had more bonding time as always — you know how typical sleepovers go. We tried to party last night. We had a blast and then come morning we decided that it’ll be a good idea to do each other’s nails, blow dry each other’s hair. Yeah, girl stuff which would probably make you want to click the X button by now. I know. I can’t blame you. What’s happening to me.

Moving on, Sunday’s really a slow slow slow day for me. Typically, I am sluggish but today’s beyond it. Usually I am the first one to go to the bathroom to bathe. Today, I opted to be the last. I was loving how I am comfortably stuck in the couch like I am waiting for it to swallow me whole. Fantastic, now I’m beginning to become phlegmatic like an 80-year-old senile.

Plus. The rain. I don’t get the weather these days. One minute it’s sunny and the next second it’s raining whales and sharks. Is this the beginning of the end? I’m supposed to visit my gramps. I missed his birthday last week.

I had to get him some goodies before I meet up with my cousins. When I check the window. There it was RAIN–mocking me as if saying ” So I guess you’re gonna have to take a cab to never never land after all. Bleah!”

So me and my house mates decided to go to Greenhills (yeah we borrowed the bitch mobile for a change). We aimlessly circled the tiangge. I was at the same time, checking what to buy for Faye, who celebrated her birthday yesterday. We had a double celebration, actually so my pocket’s cursing me right now.

Me and my mates got nauseated by the number of people who are either window shopping or pretending to shop. I just bought goodies for Papa. Then, we decided to adjourn. Besides, there weren’t much cool stuff to buy.

On our way to the parking area, I saw two 20 peso bills lying on the floor! Bwahahaha. Finders keepers. Loosers weepers.

But I ended up paying for the parking. O joy!

Fast forward, I met up with my cousins. We had dinner….which I ended up paying (coz it’s my treat this time). Wallet’s really red with anger right now. But it’s okay. There’s this mandatory rule when you add another year in your bio calendar. You have to burn cash or it’ll burn you.

So now, here I am. Alone. My mates went to Antipolo. *Sigh* I am checking my mails….when I read one of the subjects.. I almost fell from my seat.

This is really shit!!!

There you go, my ticket to the WORDCAMP 2008. *Banana dance*

Hokay, I got to update the list of sponsors now.

I’m excitement…..excitation….excited! Anyone else coming?

To the Bully & her Posse….

….who’s harrassing my friend, Prinz.

Okay, okay. I get it, she’s a noOb. Well, let me give you a piece of my mind. There are just two things that prevents me from storming my way into your office and giving you a beating of a lifetime.

1.) I have manners.. or something similar to that.

2.) If I give you a sucker-punch from hell I doubt that you will still be able to keep your boyfriend as your face will match the color of my purple blouse. Yes, I have mad skills, woman. Don’t try me.

So moving on to a more civilized conversation, as I was saying… Leave her alone or better yet… CUT HER SOME DAMN SLACK.

Sheesh, isn’t high school over by now. Me thinks, you all are still in that stage.

Do you expect her to memorize the whole training manual? She may be the brainy of us –dysfunctional bunch but she ain’t super human.

And please, the next time she says sorry, accept it. Who are you, Jesus? Being high and mighty does not make you a God.

Also don’t bore your officemates with your woes in the love department. Who gives a rat’s ass if your boyfriend is cheating on you or whatever. I guess, he’s tired of you yapping all day like a woman on crack.

And to your posse, I’ll give you each my two cents. I’ll buy you all half of my friend’s brain cells. Think for once. I believe the brain is created to do all that logical stuff.

Do you even know Alicia Keys. Yes, the one who sang KARMA. Yes, yes, kids. What goes around comes around. And when that sweet day comes…you will all realize that you have messed with the wrong woman. Vengeance will be as deliriously sweet as that Jumbo Banana Split she had to order to get over your bullying.

Now, stop gossiping about your boring lives and get your ass back to work. I ain’t begging. THAT’S AN ORDER!

P.S.

We live by the MAFIA Rule. You hit me. WE hit you.

To the Bully & her Posse

….who’s harrassing my friend, Prinz.

Okay, okay. I get it, she’s a noOb. Well, let me give you a piece of my mind. There are just two things that prevents me from storming my way into your office and giving you a beating of a lifetime.

1.) I have manners.. or something similar to that.

2.) If I give you a sucker-punch from hell I doubt that you will still be able to keep your boyfriend as your face will match the color of my purple blouse. Yes, I have mad skills, woman. Don’t try me.

So moving on to a more civilized conversation, as I was saying… Leave her alone or better yet… CUT HER SOME DAMN SLACK.

Sheesh, isn’t high school over by now. Me thinks, you all are still in that stage.

Do you expect her to memorize the whole training manual? She may be the brainy of us –dysfunctional bunch but she ain’t super human.

And please, the next time she says sorry, accept it. Who are you, Jesus? Being high and mighty does not make you a God.

Also don’t bore your officemates with your woes in the love department. Who gives a rat’s ass if your boyfriend is cheating on you or whatever. I guess, he’s tired of you yapping all day like a woman on crack.

And to your posse, I’ll give each of you my two cents. I’ll buy you all half of my friend’s brain cells. Think for once. I believe the brain is created to do all that logical stuff.

Do you even know Alicia Keys. Yes, the one who sang KARMA. Yes, yes, kids. What goes around comes around. And when that sweet day comes…you will all realize that you have messed with the wrong woman. Vengeance will be as deliriously sweet as that Jumbo Banana Split she had to order to get over your bullying.

Now, stop gossiping about your boring lives and get your ass back to work. I ain’t begging. THAT’S AN ORDER!

P.S.

We live by the MAFIA Rule. You hit me. WE hit you.

24th ASA.

Dear Awesomely Sardonic Self (ASS),

My formiddable forecast is in the near future, by age 24 you are already old enough to be a grandmother.

But let’s not talk about that. Let’s concentrate on your present state of awesomeness.

Today marks the day of your ANNUAL SELF APPRAISAL (ASA). Also,here are some salient points:

1. Today, the weather will not cooperate. It will rain and the skirt you are planning to wear will not see the light of day or perhaps ever.

2. The zit on your left cheek had a rude awakening.

3. You along with other jologs such as Ding Dong Dantes celebrates their own pathetic existence. Hooray!

4. You have once again cheated death. Let’s save that for later.

But wait there’s more, I was browsing your files and stumbled upon previous posts of hedonistic commemoration of your first hoorah:

(Skip to the last paragraph, if you must)

AUGUST 5, 2005

Slightly unemployed, depressed and soul searching. A pact was made between me and my alter ego UTCHEE. Out of sheer boredom and attempt to change my sedentary life. So it shall be written..so shall it be done. I WILL GROW MY HAIR LONG. I WILL NOT CUT IT UBER SHORT (just a a maximum of 2-3 inches to avoid split ends) BECAUSE MY AUNT THINKS I’M GOING LEZ BECAUSE OF THE “DO”. Thus the journey towards hippiedom, starts. However due to the unyielding genes, my hair was not growing as fast as it should. One realization: I am stubborn all way to my hair follicles.

I bought a hair grower and well, hello….. Rapunzel.

AUGUST 5 2006

Fresh from the graveyard, I arrived around 7am bummed and sleepy. As I waltz inside the studio-type unit, I engulfed a distinct smell of vomit. Uh oh. Thoughts of who, what, where came across my mind and before I knew it, I saw the almost incapacitated form of a woman in all her wasted glory. Head pressed in the bathroom sink, almost kneeling down the floor and exhausted from what seemed like a bad case of a puking spree. Tsk.tsk.tsk.

I was itching to scratch her eye out for being this wasted but I was so high on my temporary supply of sugar that I hauled her almost unconscious self, put her to bed and volunteered my oh-so altruistic self to clean up the whole mess.

Yes. That was the highlight of my 22nd year in this planet. A prelude of my impending destiny as the new and improved domesticated goddess.

AUGUST 5, 2007

Nothing much to celebrate about really. I made a bad decision on not seeing a horror movie instead of that drinking spree which I really hardly remember. What was reminiscent is the amount of calories I haven’t burned. And until now, is still lying comfortably under my precious belly or at some point deposited itself at the back which is also known as the bra fat. O yes. they do exist.

But when you’re with the right company you wouldn’t really mind because what matters is you’re alive, you have enough cash to burn and you’re pigging out like there’s no tomorrow. Sooner or later you will have to look back at the amount of liquor your friends consumed and compared it to yours. You will realize how you suck at drinking. You should stay as far from the bar as possible to avoid a foreigner from hitting on you and your drunken state of availability.

Okay! Moving on to your present living condition…

The past years involved a series of bad decisions and unfortunate events actually. So this year, it’s time to redeem oneself. Let’s start with the long locks, even though your relatives (especially your aunt) will probably burn you alive. For some reason, they prefer the hippie Joyce over the clean-cut tomboy Joyce. Your journey towards financial freedom will start as your shampoo and conditioner consumption will be reduced to half *crosses fingers*.

I am quite scared of how your relatives will react when they see you on the 22nd for that family dinner whatsoever. The aunt’s family will be arriving in the mainland by the 20th. By that time, You might have put Sadako to rest already. And hopefully, You will not get a beating.

But the new and improved you have learned about taking risks. And as one wise Jedi once said… Maximum risks equals maximum gain.

Although I find it rather errm.. double standard. I bow down to the infinite morsel of wisdom imparted to a very inexperienced youngling that you are.

Therefore, my Plan of Action for you are:

1. Pretend to EAT RIGHT because you suck at dieting. It might just help lessen the chest pains. Act like you are fascinated by the palatable taste of veggies.

2. Burn some lard, fat ass. Pushing the remote control button does not help.

3. You must lessen your blogging time and concentrate on how you will be able to conquer the universe. You have 6 years to go.

4. Screw someone or something else and not your paycheck. Learn to freaking save.

5. Please try to be more pleasant. By pleasant, I mean SMILE. Some people think you are charming because you have this “chamomile-effect” on them(whatever the hell that means). So be more personable for crying out loud.

6. Stop testing the limits of your alcohol tolerance. Don’t compare yourself with the veterans, what were you thinking?

You are such a braggart. Tsk.Tsk.Tsk.

And when did this happen?

Tsk.tsk. pfft.. 24. Reckless Abandon…

You have a 2 week restraining order from any form of liquor. Yes, tough love. But you will thank me someday.

Now go away and see that cardiologist your company doctor recommended..

Love,

Your Awesome Super Ego.

The Ultimate Test of Alcoholic Tolerance….

No. Joyce is not alcoholic.. not just yet. I am not a bigger drinker. I actually suck. But I’ve already enumerated some lessons learned from drinking before.

But last night’s drinking spree was one of the most memorable ones—the ultimate test of alcoholic tolerance. It was a friend’s nephew’s birthday party in Antipolo. And no amount of rain can quest the thirst. Sure it was a long drive but heck it was worth it. Now, I’m really scared…I sound like a man now. So anyway, here’s some realizations:

1. I’ve met my match – Hi Kurant. I hope you remember me.

2. I now know why some people end up getting a tattoo or a broken heart.

3. Selective amnesia is definitely possible.

4. It knows no gender nor age–a killer shot is a killer shot.

5. Sobriety is just a phase when you’re young, underpaid and almost 24.

6. In this day and age, going M.I.A. during a drinking spree with one of your guests can only mean one thing… you ain’t just chilling.

7. When the room seems to be spinning and you feel like you need a colonoscopy, STOP. You might end up vomiting in one of the shot glasses.

8. Tequilla, in a your drunken state means… TO KILL YA.

9. Puking your lungs out can be a source of bonding.

10. I must start drinking liver aid or kidney care.

11. Never succumb to the challenge of the minority. YOU might JUST LOOSE.

12. MIX DRINKS only when absolutely sure of a.) your impending puke fest and possible hard core encounter with Hang Over b.) a friend’s physical capacity to carry your drunken ass in case you pass out.

13. ALL IS FAIR when you’re drinking with minors–minors who don’t really drink.

14. Loose your sobriety and go home afterwards. GO STRAIGHT home. PERIOD.

15. It doesn’t really matter if you change your clothes. YOU WILL STILL SMELL like BARF, ALCOHOL and DRIED SALIVA.

So here’s to last night’s amnesia inducing drinking spree…. a toast to FRIENDS, ACQUAINTANCES and their IRON LIVERS….

Here..here..

Choices

It’s like:

1. Letting one train pass only to find out that you will have to wait fifty golden years until the next train comes along. It’s not just any train—the train where you can sit or fit yourself without acting like a master contortionist.

2. Skipping door number one and choosing the second only to find out that you have just opened a room full of old skeletons.

3. Dumping suitor no.1 only to find out that no.2 is the greater evil.

4. Deciding to stay when you should have left eons ago. Hard-headed that you are..serves you damn right.

5. Opting to buy the Kare-kare for dinner instead of the Carbonara..only to find out that Carbonara would have prevented you from being wheeled into the emergency room for food poisoning at two in the morning.

There comes a point in your life when you have established your comfort zone and marked your territory. But all of a sudden something comes along, wipes your foot prints in the sand or moved your demarcation line.

It’s the third time that a manpower consulting firm called me up for a consultant post. And I’ve turned them down mainly because the huge bulk of work is recruitment of course. My affinity towards recruitment can be compared to my abhorrence to anything that involves MATH (e.i. Calculus, Trigonometry and such).

So yeah, the reason they must have stumbled upon my resume is that it says “I’M CHEAP” all over it. By this I meant, they can afford to pay me and still be able to suck of the commission to buy wii and stuff. I’m cheap as compared to the big players in the head hunting industry.

I passed on this third offer because I know that I don’t and will never belong.

But one thing I learned is that when opportunity knocks….open the door….and grab it by the balls..

So for now. I will wait and keep my underpaid ass from grabbing the wrong….erm..