Welcome to Commonwealth

This is Commonwealth Ave. Boston, MA

Now, this is Commonwealth Ave, Quezon City

Ahhhh, yes. Upon reaching the elliptical road, you’ll see an invisible sign that says ABANDON HOPE ALL YE, WHO ENTER HERE!

Commonwealth, where precipitation is directly proportional to the amount of people getting robbed, held up or ran over.

 

Prior to moving to the unchartered  territory, I was blazing the busiest streets of Makati . That was circa 2005. Aaaah, yes, Makati . It’s where you occasionally bump into Starbucks-drinking Expats or simply scour your way out of a group of yuppies who are parking their overpaid asses along the sidewalks during yosi breaks. Yes, Makati where the fastest mode of transportation is brisk walking or via osmosis.

 

During job hunting, it is not advisable to wear your high heels as it will just bring so much  pain in your  calf muscles that you would wish  a.) You can manipulate time and space continuum or b.) have so much S appeal that you can rouse a random hot guy to carry you to the next loading zone (or if you’re that lucky score a free ride..HOORAY!)

 

But of course that would be like reaching for the stars because really in this day and age there are no such things as knights in shining red Ferraris ever ready to rescue you especially when the line in the MRT can be compared to that of the Eraserhead’s concert.

 

Hokay, moving forward , somewhere in the outskirts of C.W. is where the chorewhore gets her paycheck in exchange of Friday nights, weekends and at times her soul.

But other than that, C.W. is an alternate dimension where:

 

1. The land meets the sea (even if it’s just a 15-minute rain).
2. The sign  DO NOT CROSS should be taken seriously. Well, unless you want your bloody carcass to be broadcasted in 5 different channels nationwide then by all means do as you please.
3. The foul stench of dried urine in the early morning can certainly jumpstart your day. Who needs coffee? I don’t.
4. Drag queens are fairy godmothers and I am a cheerleader doing star jumps. Yes, they only happen in Twilight Zone.
5. Convenience stores are outside a 5 mile radius. You can starve to death without seeing the light of day ever.
6. Vultures exist and can devour you because the nearest convenience store is  outside a 5 mile radius.
7. You still hear echoes.
8. A not-so-concealed nuclear weapon disguises itself as a gigantic ostrich egg awaiting the perfect timing to obliterate all mankind. (Ho sheez, I’m watching too much sci-fi).
9. Rallies are like mosh pits you are tempted to jump into.
10. It’s where I mutter in sheer disgust “HOME SWEET, HOME”.

WordCamp…..I was there!

Yup! Thanks to eirene, best camper buddy one can ever ever have.We made it to WordCamp! We’re early but didn’t quite make it as a recipient of the early bird awards.

In fact, we didn’t get any goodies, except the ones the gave you after the camp is over.  I want a WordCamp mug. Pfft!

Matt has a lot of fan girls and…..ummm…boys too. No photo opportunity for us. I don’t really want to haggle with the general population.

I had fun with the sessions. I gained alot of insight actually, which makes me what to rethink and ponder….am I a responsible blogger?

Uhm… NO. Number 1, my blog is sooooo not informative. Number 2, adsense what?????

We actually joined the none-techie talks because yeah, like I care about CSS? and plugins? I mean, seriously I hardly even change my WP template because I really lack the skills and the patience of editing it.

Will I ever make money out of this blog? Answer: HELL NO! [Well, not in the near future maybe]

Because who will ever pay you to talk about epic failures and what not? I mean what is your market value in terms of your writing style? How engaging are you?

So yeah, I learned alot from Blogging 102: Basic and Beyond and Building a Blogging Community and most especially Blogging and Journalism.

I.ph…. what happened to that demo? hahaha. I still think I should have won that free hosting domain shiz….I am still your loyal blogger, don’t worry.

I will definitely join if ever there will be a  next one.

Hokay that’s it. I think everyone’s still in that after party. FEH!

Reunions: How I became an Oyster

August. Reunions. *sigh* Last August 22, because of mandatory and obligatory reasons I met up with my maternal kin. Well, hello FAMILY! It’s been a while since we last saw each other.

I remember the show THAT’S MY WIFE. You know, the one where the host gives out random facts and the contestants (the husbands) raises their card and says THAT’S MY WIFE.

Yeah. I can definitely win that if the show is called THAT’S MY FAMILY.

So here’s the random list of factoids, I could raise my card to:

1. Your Aunt upon seeing you for the first time (after let’s say 8 years) embraces you and drowns you with a thousand smooches. It will leave a mark on your cheeks and you will feel like the same old obese, asthmatic three-year old they used to call—-UTCHIKIKAY.

2. They still can’t spell your name right, UTCHIE, UTSIE, UTCHI. How hard can it possibly be U-T-C-H-E-E?

3. Your relative values TOGETHERNESS (literally and otherwise) even if you have to sit your ass in the compartment for the entire duration of the long drive to your Uncle’s house.

4. Your family has a bad case of SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS and eventually you’ll have ALZHEIMER’S by 30.

5. You were asked if you tried dieting for the last 24 years of your existence. And you came up with a reply like: “I tried reversing the food pyramid but I failed”.

6. Your aunt applies the CONSISTENCY AND VALIDITY method in questioning you ” When will you introduce us to your boyfriend?”. You were asked three times, DINNER, AFTER DINNER and the MORNING AFTER.

7. Your constant reply to the age old question are the variations of: I INVOKE MY RIGHT TO PRIVACY, THAT QUESTION IS IRRELEVANT or OBJECTION, THAT QUESTION IS SELF-INCRIMINATING!

8. Your rule of thumb is the less you talk the better— the lesser the likelihood of you becoming the butt of all jokes.

9. Your cousin is still an ass. He will not lend you the PSP even if you fake a seizure.

10. Nothing has and will ever change. You’re still a push over. They will make you eat vegetables, sit up straight, or stop slouching.

One conclusion, you can arrive at is: You’re still the obese, asthmatic three year old they call UTCHIKIKAY.

ETA

Last August 30, I met up with my paternal kin for the very very very first time. Crazy right? It took us 24 years.. That’s another story to tell.

August 31. I’m supposed to bid adieu to my maternal Aunt, who’ll be flying to the States but my spiking fever prevented me. Boohoo. I missed my chance of getting my early Christmas gift. Whatta bummer.

So yeah. I’m sick and until now, I’m still coughing ang puking eeky green stuff. This probably means… STAY AWAY FROM REUNIONS. HAHAHAHAHA. No, kidding.

Reunions: HOW I BECAME AN OYSTER

August. Reunions. *sigh* Last August 22, because of mandatory and obligatory reasons I met up with my maternal kin. Well, hello FAMILY! It’s been a while since we last saw each other.

I remember the show THAT’S MY WIFE. You know, the one where the host gives out random facts and the contestants (the husbands) raises their card and says THAT’S MY WIFE.

Yeah. I can definitely win that if the show is called THAT’S MY FAMILY.

So here’s the random list of factoids, I could raise my card to:

1. Your Aunt upon seeing you for the first time (after let’s say 8 years) embraces you and drowns you with a thousand smooches. It will leave a mark on your cheeks and you will feel like the same old obese, asthmatic three-year old they used to call—-UTCHIKIKAY.

2. They still can’t spell your name right, UTCHIE, UTSIE, UTCHI. How hard can it possibly be U-T-C-H-E-E?

3. Your relative values TOGETHERNESS (literally and otherwise) even if you have to sit your ass in the compartment for the entire duration of the long drive to your Uncle’s house.

4. Your family has a bad case of SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS and eventually you’ll have ALZHEIMER’S by 30.

5. You were asked if you tried dieting for the last 24 years of your existence. And you came up with a reply like: “I tried reversing the food pyramid but I failed”.

6. Your aunt applies the CONSISTENCY AND VALIDITY method in questioning you ” When will you introduce us to your boyfriend?”. You were asked three times, DINNER, AFTER DINNER and the MORNING AFTER.

7. Your constant reply to the age old question are the variations of: I INVOKE MY RIGHT TO PRIVACY, THAT QUESTION IS IRRELEVANT or OBJECTION, THAT QUESTION IS SELF-INCRIMINATING!

8. Your rule of thumb is the less you talk the better— the lesser the likelihood of you becoming the butt of all jokes.

9. Your cousin is still an ass. He will not lend you the PSP even if you fake a seizure.

10. Nothing has and will ever change. You’re still a push over. They will make you eat vegetables, sit up straight, or stop slouching.

One conclusion, you can arrive at is: You’re still the obese, asthmatic three year old they call UTCHIKIKAY.

ETA

Last August 30, I met up with my paternal kin for the very very very first time. Crazy right? It took us 24 years.. That’s another story to tell.

August 31. I’m supposed to bid adieu to my maternal Aunt, who’ll be flying to the States but my spiking fever prevented me. Boohoo. I missed my chance of getting my early Christmas gift. Whatta bummer.

So yeah. I’m sick and until now, I’m still coughing ang puking eeky green stuff. This probably means… STAY AWAY FROM REUNIONS. HAHAHAHAHA. No, kidding.

Hey Mum!

Dear Mum,

How’s the afterlife? Did you know that smoking kills? Yep, that’s what I heard. How’s Uncle? I hope he’s also up there. However, rumor has it that he’s playing devil’s advocate in the pits of hell.

In case, you haven’t been tuning in lately, Dad has been touring the region. He has a groupie of some 18 – 20 year olds. Crazy, I know. Yep, you got to hand it to him. He’s living the rock star dream. At his age, it’s just a consolation. So yeah, I concur.

I hope that you’re happy up there. I would love to join you someday. Well, that relatively depends if I give in to Satan’s offer of eternal awesomeness and Coca-Cola body of hotness (just like yours).

I’ve been having chest pains lately. No biggie actually, if it’s going to be the free ticket to never never land.

Well, let’s see, in our family we can’t really ignore those symptoms, right? But we’re different. We have always learned things the hard way. Yep, we’re stubborn like that. Maybe I did got that from you and not from Dad.

So anyway, work’s really a pain right now. I think PAIN is an understatement. It’s an abomination! I might render overtime this Saturday. It’s pretty fcked up. I worked my ass off for a month and suddenly the server had gone haywire. POOF! Back to zero!

Although, it pays rent, provides the me luxury of getting piss drunk on weekends (on a rarity) or buys me the books I’d kill to read, still I’m struggling to accept that I am no longer your asthmatic obese three-year old.

Yes, Mom. I grew up to be such a drama queen. So yeah, you’d probably burn this imaginary letter or skip to the not-so-boring parts which I can tell you now that there is none.

Anyway, do you remember that photo? That’s one of my favorites as it perfectly shows how carefree you really are. Even though, everyone knows you are such a nervous wreck and on certain occasions, you basically spell the word RECKLESS ABANDON. I remember you and Dad use to hangout in our veranda, you smoking HOPE while sipping on your SanMig light and Dad massaging your foot and drinking his vino. Good times, yeah?!  I wish we can bring back those days. O well, everyone’s moved on. I’m sure I’d be fine.

Don’t worry about me. Worry about father. He’s been going out a lot. But I don’t have my eyes and ears right now. Well, maybe sooner or later I’ll figure out if there’s another Uma Thurman has bee hanging in the door step.

I’d let you know as soon as I can. Wait, you’re probably watching right? Why haven’t you hexed the guy yet?

Anyway, if you’re not too busy getting a pedicure or something, visit me and give me those lottery numbers I’ve been praying every night.

P.S.

I’d be meeting up with your ever loving sisters again. They’ll probably tell me for the nth time to loose weight or to stand up straight or to stop slouching or to dress up a bit..you know, usual stuff they’ve been saying for the last 24 years of my existence. I guess I should just let it in the right ear and out the left, right?

And I did visit gramps.. He has no clue who I am by now. He asked my name and whose family tree I belong to for approximately 10 times.

Other than that, every thing’s peachy and perfect (and full of crap on certain levels).

Your Daughter,

Joyce a.k.a. Bing-Bing

Hey Mum!

Dear Mum,

How’s the afterlife? Did you know that smoking kills? Yep, that’s what I heard. How’s Uncle? I hope he’s also up there. However, rumor has it that he’s playing devil’s advocate in the pits of hell.

In case, you haven’t been tuning in lately, Dad has been touring the region. He has a groupie of some 18 – 20 year olds. Crazy, I know. Yep, you got to hand it to him. He’s living the rock star dream. At his age, it’s just a consolation. So yeah, I concur.

I hope that you’re happy up there. I would love to join you someday. Well, that relatively depends if I give in to Satan’s offer of eternal awesomeness and Coca-Cola body of hotness (just like yours).

I’ve been having chest pains lately. No biggie actually, if it’s going to be the free ticket to never never land.

Well, let’s see, in our family we can’t really ignore those symptoms, right? But we’re different. We have always learned things the hard way. Yep, we’re stubborn like that.Maybe I did got that from you and not from Dad.

So anyway, work’s really a pain right now. I think PAIN is an understatement. It’s an abomination! I might render overtime this Saturday. It’s pretty fcked up. I worked my ass off for a month and suddenly the server had gone haywire. POOF! Back to zero!

Although, it pays rent, provides the me luxury of getting piss drunk on weekends (on a rarity) or buys me the books I’d kill to read, still I’m struggling to accept that I am no longer your asthmatic obese three-year old.

Yes, Mom. I grew up to be such a drama queen. So yeah, you’d probably burn this imaginary letter or skip to the not-so-boring parts which I can tell you now that there is none.

Anyway, do you remember that photo? That’s one of my favorites as it perfectly shows how carefree you really are. Even though, everyone knows you are such a nervous wreck and on certain occasions, you basically spell the word RECKLESS ABANDON. I remember you and Dad use to hangout in our veranda, you smoking HOPE while sipping on your SanMig light and Dad massaging your foot and drinking his vino. Good times, yeah?! I wish we can bring back those days. O well, everyone’s moved on. I’m sure I’d be fine.

Don’t worry about me. Worry about father. He’s been going out a lot. But I don’t have my eyes and ears right now. Well, maybe sooner or later I’ll figure out if there’s another Uma Thurman has bee hanging in the door step.

I’d let you know as soon as I can. Wait, you’re probably watching right? Why haven’t you hexed the guy yet?

Anyway, if you’re not too busy getting a pedicure or something, visit me and give me those lottery numbers I’ve been praying every night.

P.S.

I’d be meeting up with your ever loving sisters again. They’ll probably tell me for the nth time to loose weight or to stand up straight or to stop slouching or to dress up a bit..you know, usual stuff they’ve been saying for the last 24 years of my existence. I guess I should just let it in the right ear and out the left, right?

And I did visit gramps.. He has no clue who I am by now. He asked my name and whose family tree I belong to for approximately 10 times.

Other than that, every thing’s peachy and perfect (and full of crap on certain levels).

Your Daughter,

Joyce a.k.a. Bing-Bing

Dear John Lloyd

Dear John Lloyd,

I love you. Wait, rewind that. *Inhales deeply*

Let me keep this short and simple. I know that you and me…………. will never happen. I already accepted that fact. Needless to say, I just have to let this out.

I should have given you this letter when we saw each other in that elevator. Yes, I guess you remember that one. You pushed the 15th floor button. I was about to press 8 but I realized there was none. As usual, my mind was aimlessly wandering that I entered the wrong elevator. I didn’t want to look like total noob to the building so I just kept my cool. You see, I knew we had a moment there. You gave me that smile. I was too nervous that my smile turned into a semi-smirk. For that, I apologize.

Anyhow, I always say that I am this close to watching your movies…Yep,until finally I decided to give it a shot. The ticket was free so I said to myself, why not? Normally, I’m just the kind who watches your soaps and live a normal drool-free existence. But then, I watched ASAP live and saw you once again. I guess that must have rekindled the old flame.

So anyway, Lloydi. I think I should stop here. This is as far as I can get in terms of self-flagellation.

Good luck on your career.

And as you said in your BIOGESIC commercial……

YNGAT!

Joyce

This is shit!!!

One Sunday evening I decided to blog.

*Sigh* Ok. Lazy Sunday. Home alone. I am listening to my Viva La Vida album. I love you Faye. Thank you for this wonderful gift.

Here’s the boring part of this blog where I enumerate the things I have done after 10 a.m.. So yeah I was awaken involuntarily by the immense back pain that never seems to go away. No matter how hard I twist and turn, it just won’t lull me back to sleep. What did I do last night again? O yeah. Dinner. Videoke. Dolce. Starbucks. Note to self: Never go back to Dolce ( I will make a separate post on this…hmmm..)

So I got up, I found that the house mates were already awake planning what to order… Yeah, we’re slobs that way. As usual there is no decent meal here. I mean, when will I ever get my ass into going to the grocery. It’s either I am too tired or too lazy. This is really bad.

Anyhow, we had more bonding time as always — you know how typical sleepovers go. We tried to party last night. We had a blast and then come morning we decided that it’ll be a good idea to do each other’s nails, blow dry each other’s hair. Yeah, girl stuff which would probably make you want to click the X button by now. I know. I can’t blame you. What’s happening to me.

Moving on, Sunday’s really a slow slow slow day for me. Typically, I am sluggish but today’s beyond it. Usually I am the first one to go to the bathroom to bathe. Today, I opted to be the last. I was loving how I am comfortably stuck in the couch like I am waiting for it to swallow me whole. Fantastic, now I’m beginning to become phlegmatic like an 80-year-old senile.

Plus. The rain. I don’t get the weather these days. One minute it’s sunny and the next second it’s raining whales and sharks. Is this the beginning of the end? I’m supposed to visit my gramps. I missed his birthday last week.

I had to get him some goodies before I meet up with my cousins. When I check the window. There it was RAIN–mocking me as if saying ” So I guess you’re gonna have to take a cab to never never land after all. Bleah!”

So me and my house mates decided to go to Greenhills (yeah we borrowed the bitch mobile for a change). We aimlessly circled the tiangge. I was at the same time, checking what to buy for Faye, who celebrated her birthday yesterday. We had a double celebration, actually so my pocket’s cursing me right now.

Me and my mates got nauseated by the number of people who are either window shopping or pretending to shop. I just bought goodies for Papa. Then, we decided to adjourn. Besides, there weren’t much cool stuff to buy.

On our way to the parking area, I saw two 20 peso bills lying on the floor! Bwahahaha. Finders keepers. Loosers weepers.

But I ended up paying for the parking. O joy!

Fast forward, I met up with my cousins. We had dinner….which I ended up paying (coz it’s my treat this time). Wallet’s really red with anger right now. But it’s okay. There’s this mandatory rule when you add another year in your bio calendar. You have to burn cash or it’ll burn you.

So now, here I am. Alone. My mates went to Antipolo. *Sigh* I am checking my mails….when I read one of the subjects.. I almost fell from my seat.

This is really shit!!!

There you go, my ticket to the WORDCAMP 2008. *Banana dance*

Hokay, I got to update the list of sponsors now.

I’m excitement…..excitation….excited! Anyone else coming?

To the Bully & her Posse….

….who’s harrassing my friend, Prinz.

Okay, okay. I get it, she’s a noOb. Well, let me give you a piece of my mind. There are just two things that prevents me from storming my way into your office and giving you a beating of a lifetime.

1.) I have manners.. or something similar to that.

2.) If I give you a sucker-punch from hell I doubt that you will still be able to keep your boyfriend as your face will match the color of my purple blouse. Yes, I have mad skills, woman. Don’t try me.

So moving on to a more civilized conversation, as I was saying… Leave her alone or better yet… CUT HER SOME DAMN SLACK.

Sheesh, isn’t high school over by now. Me thinks, you all are still in that stage.

Do you expect her to memorize the whole training manual? She may be the brainy of us –dysfunctional bunch but she ain’t super human.

And please, the next time she says sorry, accept it. Who are you, Jesus? Being high and mighty does not make you a God.

Also don’t bore your officemates with your woes in the love department. Who gives a rat’s ass if your boyfriend is cheating on you or whatever. I guess, he’s tired of you yapping all day like a woman on crack.

And to your posse, I’ll give you each my two cents. I’ll buy you all half of my friend’s brain cells. Think for once. I believe the brain is created to do all that logical stuff.

Do you even know Alicia Keys. Yes, the one who sang KARMA. Yes, yes, kids. What goes around comes around. And when that sweet day comes…you will all realize that you have messed with the wrong woman. Vengeance will be as deliriously sweet as that Jumbo Banana Split she had to order to get over your bullying.

Now, stop gossiping about your boring lives and get your ass back to work. I ain’t begging. THAT’S AN ORDER!

P.S.

We live by the MAFIA Rule. You hit me. WE hit you.

To the Bully & her Posse

….who’s harrassing my friend, Prinz.

Okay, okay. I get it, she’s a noOb. Well, let me give you a piece of my mind. There are just two things that prevents me from storming my way into your office and giving you a beating of a lifetime.

1.) I have manners.. or something similar to that.

2.) If I give you a sucker-punch from hell I doubt that you will still be able to keep your boyfriend as your face will match the color of my purple blouse. Yes, I have mad skills, woman. Don’t try me.

So moving on to a more civilized conversation, as I was saying… Leave her alone or better yet… CUT HER SOME DAMN SLACK.

Sheesh, isn’t high school over by now. Me thinks, you all are still in that stage.

Do you expect her to memorize the whole training manual? She may be the brainy of us –dysfunctional bunch but she ain’t super human.

And please, the next time she says sorry, accept it. Who are you, Jesus? Being high and mighty does not make you a God.

Also don’t bore your officemates with your woes in the love department. Who gives a rat’s ass if your boyfriend is cheating on you or whatever. I guess, he’s tired of you yapping all day like a woman on crack.

And to your posse, I’ll give each of you my two cents. I’ll buy you all half of my friend’s brain cells. Think for once. I believe the brain is created to do all that logical stuff.

Do you even know Alicia Keys. Yes, the one who sang KARMA. Yes, yes, kids. What goes around comes around. And when that sweet day comes…you will all realize that you have messed with the wrong woman. Vengeance will be as deliriously sweet as that Jumbo Banana Split she had to order to get over your bullying.

Now, stop gossiping about your boring lives and get your ass back to work. I ain’t begging. THAT’S AN ORDER!

P.S.

We live by the MAFIA Rule. You hit me. WE hit you.